Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Oops, I Seem To Have Misplaced My Censoring Button!

***Warning If you find cursing offensive, please stop here.***

“The Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television According To George Carlin:  Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits.”

                This morning, I was talking with my mother on the phone, and I cursed.  Do you know what happened?  Instead of continuing my conversation, I paused and thought to myself, “Shit, I cannot believe I just said that.  She’s going to give me another one of her fucking morality lectures.”  That is pathetic.  I am a grown woman, and my mom still gives me lectures on cursing.  Well, you know what?  I love my potty mouth, dammit!  I was a sailor in one of my past lives, I just know it.
                When she gives me the lecture, she always pulls out the, “Would you say those words in church, Would you talk like that in God’s house?”  My answer is always, “Mom, I wouldn’t curse at church, you know that.”  And, I wouldn’t.  It is not that I am ashamed.  Hell, no.  In my opinion, it is disrespectful, and I am not going to disrespect God and the other people in church.  It pisses me off that she would ask this fucking question over and over.  And over again.  This question is insulting.  Its kinda like I won’t have sex at my Mother’s house or my In-law’s house (Now, if we are being completely honest, I have had sex there in the past.  At the time, I was still a teenager, so I don’t count that.  We all do crazy shit when we are young).  I do not want to offend their sensibilities, like I wouldn’t particularly want my daughter to in my home – when she becomes sexually active, of course.
                So, when I hung up, I started thinking about “dirty” words.  As most know, I am an extremely wordy person, and I love to hear (or read) new words.  I decided that it would be fun to expand my cursing vocabulary. 
                As per usual, I went straight for Google.  God bless Google.
The search brought up two kinds of websites:  1. Lists of Curse Words 2.  Quotes About Curse Words.  I admit that I was intrigued by the quotes, and started clicking on some of them.  The quotes were like: 
“Profanity is the common crutch of the conversation cripple.” – David Keuck
AND
“When a man uses profanity to support an argument, it indicates that either the man or the argument is weak – probably both.” - Unknown
AND
“Profanity is the weapon of the witless.” - Unknown
AND
“The foolish and wicked practice of profane cursing and swearing is a vice so mean and low that every person of sense and character detests and despises it.” – George Washington

                Well,  apparently, people detest and despise this lowly, senseless, witless, wicked, foolish woman who is a conversational cripple.  If anyone knows me, they would hurt themselves laughing at these accusations.  Me?  A conversational cripple?  Shit, no.  I need to be gagged half the time (hot damn!).  In all seriousness, I don’t know how to shut up.  I am a long-winded motor-mouth, for better or worse.
                After I was through looking at these bullshit quotes by dumbasses who don’t know a thing about me, I pulled up a couple of websites on lists of curse words.  I found these:
The Basics Curse Words That Everyone Should Know:

Anus – This is totally the technical name for a body part.
Ass
Asshole
Asswipe
Bastard
Bitch
Blowjob
Bullshit
Butt Plug – Seriously, this is a curse word?
Clit – Another technical name for a body part.
Clusterfuck
Cock
Cunt
Dick
Dildo – Since when is a the name of a sex toy a curse word?
Douchebag
Dumbass
Fellatio
Fuck, Fucker, Fucking
Fucktard
Goddamnit
Handjob
Hard-on
Hell
Hoe
Humping
Jackass
Jerk-Off
Jizz
Motherfucker, Motherfucking
Pecker, Peckerhead
Penis – Yet again, this is a technical name?  Damn, people must have missed Anatomy class. 
Piss, Pissed Off
Prick
Punanny – This one always makes me smile. J
Pussy
Rim, Rimming, Rimjob
Shit -There were lots variations of this one.
Splooge – Is this correct spelling?  The people on this site have some serious spelling issues.
Testicle – Who the hell came up with this one as a curse word?  They call me witless and foolish!  Go to anatomy class, motherfucker.
Tittyfuck
Twat
Vagina – I am not going to even say it.  It is getting to repetitive.
Vajayjay
Whore


Some Funny Variations:

Assbandit – This sounds like someone has stolen an ass from someone else.  That would be fun to explain to the cops.
Assclown – I hope he/she doesn’t do chilodren’s birthday parties.
Asshat – Which stores carry this?
Cockburger – Yummy, that sounds almost as good as…
Cocksicle
Cockwaffle – This does NOT sound appetizing.  Although, at least there is syrup involved.  Mmmm, sticky.  Sticky is good.
Cockmonkey – Do they have these at the zoo?
Cocksucker
Cumdumpster
Cumguzler
Shitbagger – Is this a job?  I bet it doesn’t pay well.

                The moral of my ramblings is this:  Cursing is a part of my fucking vocabulary.  If you have a problem with that then you can kiss my motherfucking ass, cocksucker.  I may be a bitch, but you are a douchebag.  I can live with being a bitch.  At least I know how to have some fun.  I am me, and you are you.  Don’t get in my damn business, and I will stay the hell out of yours, asshole.  Thank you for your time.  (Please note:  This is not aimed at the people reading this blog.  This is what I would like to say to every prick that has the balls to tell me what I should and should not do.)

-Mia

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”  -E.E. Cummings

2 comments:

  1. This made me laugh!!! Especially "Testicle – Who the hell came up with this one as a curse word? They call me witless and foolish! Go to anatomy class, motherfucker."

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  2. Edith - I had way too much fun with my research. I was laughing at the lists and pointing (to no one in particular since I have locked myself in my special Den of Decadence). I mean, really?

    I wanted to find every damn person that posted these so-called "dirty" words, and have a few choices words with them personally. Well, probably, more than a few, and I would make sure that they knew what real curse words were. :)

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