Those Kinky Bastards!

“I liked watching them. I admit, I watched them a lot.”

“You always were a kinky bastard.”

“That’s the switch calling the Dom dirty.” 

~Mia, 

In Love, There Was You

The Doms of Kinky, Kansas Book 2

My Dirty (Throwback-tastic) Take...

On Facebook, a friend of mine posted 18 Things That Happened in the '90s That Would Never Fly Today by Laura Rutherford-Morrison. As a child of the '90s, I absolutely adored this article. I laughed. I cried (well, not technically but it sounded good, huh?). And you guessed it, my mind went there. You know, where. The gutter, my home away from home. 

(I blame #11. You'll see why below. )

Anyway, since I haven't posted in FOREVER and a day, I thought I'd share my dirty "throwback" thoughts with you. You know, sharing is caring and all that jazz. (I said, jazz, not jizz. Just to clarify.) 

Now, onto the meat of the blog, the good stuff, 69ers. I hope you enjoy! 

  18 Things That Happened in the '90s 

That Would Never Fly Today

1. You arranged to meet your best friend at the mall, and then wandered around trying unsuccessfully to find her. This could go on for HOURS, because cell phones were not yet a thing.

My Dirty Take: When you found Tiffany, she was macking on your crush. Girl did not care that you're hymenally challenged. All she cared about was his Jason Priestly eyes, Mark Paul-Gosselaar hair, and JTT's smile. Oh, and don't forget the hottie's Abercrombie & Fitch cargo pants. Those bad boys on his fine Mario Lopez body were drool-worthy. Yum-ohhhh.

2. You got fined because you were unkind and didn’t rewind. (Pure poetry, I know. YOU’RE WELCOME).

My Dirty Take: The adult video store were real sticklers about "Being Kind and Rewinding." They gave you the real shaft when you forgot. Stupid $.69 a day fines. 

3. Inflatable furniture.

My Dirty Take: Sofa sex was super squeaky...and your boyfriend got caught with his dick out.

5. You were regularly forced to choose between having the Internet or a functioning telephone.

My Dirty Take: Geez, how were you supposed to cyber with your boy while gossiping with your girl? Jenny's intel on Ashley was not going to wait for Jim to finish. Not that that took him all that long... They didn't call him Levenstein for nothing. (Oh, the memories of American Pie and watching it with a group of band boys. *sighs* Those were the days.)

6. You and your friends got into debates about random trivia, and had no way to find out the answer.

My Dirty Take: When you couldn't agree on the name of Vivian's blow buddy in Pretty Woman...or whether the two of them did it on top of a piano or something else...or...

7. Your CD case was stolen, which meant that you lost ALL of your music.

My Dirty Take: How did you ever survive without Salt-N-Pepa talking about sex, Ginuwine asking you to ride his pony, Britney Spears wanting someone to hit her baby one more time, or Christina Aguilera begging someone to rub her genie bottle? Ugh! My poor ears are so lonely. So lonely, I could cry. 

8. You thought long and hard about your AOL screen name, only to discover that some jerkface had already taken it.

My Dirty Take: You were so pissed when you found out BabyGotBack6969 was taken (and  VirginWhoCantDrive and SexySpiceWannabeYourLover and every other damn thing you could think of!)

9. You realized that the fellow teenager you’ve been talking to in the Seventeen chat room was actually a middle-aged man who wants to “cyber.”

My Dirty Take: When you find out your "cyber"ing partner is your uncle's buddy's father, Ben Dover, and he has a serious anal fixation.

10. Countless TV plots could immediately have been solved by someone simply having a cell phone.

My Dirty Take: Ohmigosh, did Ross really cheat on Rachel?!? Break, schmeack, my ass.

11.You actually believed that videotapes and Nintendo cartridges could be fixed by blowing on them.

My Dirty Take: When blowing didn't fix a thing.

12. The Discman in your mom’s car had to be hooked up to a lighter, and it would skip every time she drove over even the smallest bump in the road.

My Dirty Take: Gave bump and grind a whole new meaning.

13. If you wanted to learn to do a thing, you had to actually find someone who could do that thing.

My Dirty Take: If you wanted to have sex, you had to find someone to do it with. Oh wait, we still do that today. My bad. ;)

14. If you wanted to watch a new release, you either had to buy the tape or wait — yes, WAIT — until it was available at the video store.

My Dirty Take: But, but, but, I can't wait that long to see Eyes Wide Shut. I'll just die, if I don't see Nicole and Tom doing the dirty on screen. (Hmm, yeah, well. Look how that turned out.)

15. Family road trips were dominated by your parents arguing over how to interpret the map.

My Dirty Take: "Honey, you can't find your way around my pussy, how can you expect me to trust your map skills? I mean, come on, I only have two holes and a clit down there."

16. You would try to take selfies, only to discover when you had them developed that you accidentally photographed your finger in Every. Single. Shot.

My Dirty Take: Your finger? Is that what that was? Oh, that explains soooooo much.

17. You were expected to actually memorize phone numbers.

My Dirty Take: You could sing 867-5309 all day. But for the life of you, you couldn't remember the boy you made out with at Amy's party! 

18. If you missed your favorite show, you ran the risk of never finding out what happened.

My Dirty Take: All I have to say is: Friends. Joey. Sex tape. That is all.

Happy Throwback Thursday!
XOXOXO,
-Mia

For Your Listening Pleasure...

Salt-N-Pepa Let's Talk About Sex

Ginuwine, Pony

Christina Aguilera, Genie in a Bottle

Britney Spears, Baby One More Time

 

Mia's Music Monday: Kinky Shades of Blue

My husband recently discovered the guitar god, Joe Bonamassa. As per usual, he decided to use his discovery to expand my musical repertoire and convinced me to listen to Different Shades of Blue. 

Picture it. I was baking muffins. Chocolate with chocolate chips. (They were for my daughter, of course. I'm diabetic. I can't have them. No matter how tasty they are. And trust me, they were going to be positively orgasmic.) Anyway, the muffins were coming out of the oven when I heard the lyrics to Different Shades of Blue. I stopped dead and almost burned myself. I thought, "Holy shit sticks!" 

Why? You ask.

Because the song struck every cord I have. It was like Mr. Bonamassa had written the song for Thane Sorenson from In Love, There Was You. So to those of you who ask me about what I'm listening to while writing, this one is for you.

Kisses,

~Mia Ashlinn

Different Shades of Blue

Lyrics

The sun's been shinin' down on me day and night

Gettin' away with murder, livin' a lucky life

All good things finally come to an end

Hit ya like a train if you try to beat it

Everybody knows that she broke your heart

Everybody knows that it's tearing you apart

The row you've been sailin' on sprung a leak

You won't admit, but it's startin' to make you weep

When you got nothing left to lose

Might sound good, but I'm not sure that's true

You carry the pain around and that's what sees you through

The different shades of blue

Tell by the way you hang your head

The way you cast your eyes and things you haven't said

You've gathered past ten years written on your face

Your whole damn life's been one big race

Everybody goes there whether they want to or not

Everybody starts to hold on to what they got

And start to settle in with the long hall

Real life baby, oh, you can't have it all

When you got nothing left to lose

Might sound good, but I'm not sure that's true

You carry the pain around and that's what sees you through

The different shades of blue

When you got nothing left to lose

Might sound good, but I'm not sure that's true

You carry the pain around and that's what sees you through

The different shades of blue

Angels, Death, & Really Bad Breath

“Hey, blue eyes.”

“Yes, cherub?”

“I smell like death.”

“I wish I could disagree.”

~Reyes, Untitled

The Original Brothers

(of The Billionaire Brotherhood)

by Molly Grayson

Kinky Behavior

“What I want is for you and Sebastian to behave. We both know that isn’t happening.”

No, it wasn’t. Thane and Bast would fight it out, fuck it out, and then fight it out again. The two of them were volatile. A fireball was more stable than they were, and fireballs flamed out. They never did.

~Thane, In Love, There Was You

(The Doms of Kinky, Kansas Book 2)

by Mia Ashlinn

Teasetastic Tuesday: Cavemen & Kink

“You know I don’t touch a woman with another man’s cum on her.” Or in her. “Too messy.” 

The bullshit falls from my tongue with disturbing ease. I’ve delivered it so many times I almost believe myself. But a man who gets off on dirty, filthy, nasty sex doesn’t give a shit about mixing fluids because it’s “messy.” No, it goes deeper than that. 

There’s something primal in me that balks at the thought of touching a woman who’s been marked by her lover. Yes, I say, marked. You can call it what you like. Signed, branded, stamped, whatever. It’s all the same thing. It’s a sign of ownership. And I’m not a part of owning anyone. I’m the third or fourth. On occasion, I’m the fifth or even sixth. I’m the person who joins, not the person who belongs. I’m me. They’re them. We’re separate entities, who happen to come together.

Don’t you dare excuse that pun. Pure. Fucking. Gold.

Now if I ever take my own woman, which is about as likely as a penis pump working without a hose, I’ll always go bare. I’ll be the one filling her. I’ll be the man marking her. It’ll be my pleasure to sign, brand, and stamp her. Our third will be suiting up. But I don’t have to worry about that. I’ll never take the lead in a relationship. That’s on Hunt. The poor fuck.

~Reyes, Untitled

The Original Brothers

(of The Billionaire Brotherhood)

by Molly Grayson

“Because you were so worried about us, Sorenson.”

Thane came off the couch and was in Sebastian’s face. Their eyes locked as Thane’s palm landed against Sebastian’s neck. He wrapped his fingers around the sides and squeezed. “Don’t think for a second I didn’t do this for you,” he breathed. His mouth hovered above Sebastian’s. “Don’t believe for a moment I didn’t walk away because I didn’t care about what happened to you.” 

Thane’s grip tightened. 

Sebastian tried to swallow but couldn’t.

“My wife and you are everything,” he spat. “Every. Fucking. Thing.”

Thane’s hold strengthened.

Breathing was a challenge.

“I didn’t give up my life to save myself,” he said.

Sebastian’s heart battered his ribcage. Breathing went from a challenge to a burden. He couldn’t remember how to draw in air, couldn’t recall a way to push it out, and he couldn’t focus long enough to care. His lungs, they burned. They were desperate for oxygen. But his brain was adrift as Thane mindfucked him, as his body controlled him, as his chartreuse eyes revealed the things his words never could.

“Bast, I get your hurt. I get your angry. I am, too.” Thane released Sebastian so fast, so furious, his head spun. His legs weakened. He would have lost his balance, if Thane hadn’t been there to catch him. “Don’t forget. I. Am. Too. Goddamn it.”

~Sebastian, In Love, There Was You
(The Doms of Kinky, Kansas Book 2)
by Mia Ashlinn

Kinky Office Visits

“Damn, boy.” Adam whistled. “I did all your dirty work, and you still ended up in 'Daddy’s' office?” He shook his head. “Pitiful. Fucking pitiful.”

~Adam, In Love, There Was You

(The Doms of Kinky, Kansas Book 2)

by Mia Ashlinn