On Facebook, a friend of mine posted 18 Things That Happened in the '90s That Would Never Fly Todayby Laura Rutherford-Morrison. As a child of the '90s, I absolutely adored this article. I laughed. I cried (well, not technically but it sounded good, huh?). And you guessed it, my mind went there. You know, where. The gutter, my home away from home. (I blame #11. You'll see why below. ) Anyway, since I haven't posted in FOREVER and a day, I thought I'd share my dirty "throwback" thoughts with you. You know, sharing is caring and all that jazz. (I said, jazz, not jizz. Just to clarify.) Now, onto the meat of the blog, the good stuff, 69ers. I hope you enjoy!
18 Things That Happened in the '90s
That Would Never Fly Today
1. You arranged to meet your best friend at the mall, and then wandered around trying unsuccessfully to find her. This could go on for HOURS, because cell phones were not yet a thing.
My Dirty Take:When you found Tiffany, she was macking on your crush. Girl did not care that you're hymenally challenged. All she cared about was his Jason Priestly eyes, Mark Paul-Gosselaar hair, and JTT's smile. Oh, and don't forget the hottie's Abercrombie & Fitch cargo pants. Those bad boys on his fine Mario Lopez body were drool-worthy. Yum-ohhhh.
2. You got fined because you were unkind and didn’t rewind. (Pure poetry, I know. YOU’RE WELCOME).
My Dirty Take: The adult video store were real sticklers about "Being Kind and Rewinding." They gave you the real shaft when you forgot. Stupid $.69 a day fines.
3. Inflatable furniture.
My Dirty Take: Sofa sex was super squeaky...and your boyfriend got caught with his dick out.
5. You were regularly forced to choose between having the Internet or a functioning telephone.
My Dirty Take:Geez, how were you supposed to cyber with your boy while gossiping with your girl? Jenny's intel on Ashley was not going to wait for Jim to finish. Not that that took him all that long... They didn't call him Levenstein for nothing. (Oh, the memories of American Pie and watching it with a group of band boys. *sighs* Those were the days.)
6. You and your friends got into debates about random trivia, and had no way to find out the answer.
My Dirty Take: When you couldn't agree on the name of Vivian's blow buddy in Pretty Woman...or whether the two of them did it on top of a piano or something else...or...
7. Your CD case was stolen, which meant that you lost ALL of your music.
My Dirty Take: How did you ever survive without Salt-N-Pepa talking about sex, Ginuwine asking you to ride his pony, Britney Spears wanting someone to hit her baby one more time, or Christina Aguilera begging someone to rub her genie bottle? Ugh! My poor ears are so lonely. So lonely, I could cry.
8. You thought long and hard about your AOL screen name, only to discover that some jerkface had already taken it.
My Dirty Take: You were so pissed when you found out BabyGotBack6969 was taken (and VirginWhoCantDrive and SexySpiceWannabeYourLover and every other damn thing you could think of!)
9. You realized that the fellow teenager you’ve been talking to in the Seventeen chat room was actually a middle-aged man who wants to “cyber.”
My Dirty Take: When you find out your "cyber"ing partner is your uncle's buddy's father, Ben Dover, and he has a serious anal fixation.
10. Countless TV plots could immediately have been solved by someone simply having a cell phone.
My Dirty Take: Ohmigosh, did Ross really cheat on Rachel?!? Break, schmeack, my ass.
11.You actually believed that videotapes and Nintendo cartridges could be fixed by blowing on them.
My Dirty Take: When blowing didn't fix a thing.
12. The Discman in your mom’s car had to be hooked up to a lighter, and it would skip every time she drove over even the smallest bump in the road.
My Dirty Take: Gave bump and grind a whole new meaning.
13. If you wanted to learn to do a thing, you had to actually find someone who could do that thing.
My Dirty Take: If you wanted to have sex, you had to find someone to do it with. Oh wait, we still do that today. My bad. ;)
14. If you wanted to watch a new release, you either had to buy the tape or wait — yes, WAIT — until it was available at the video store.
My Dirty Take: But, but, but, I can't wait that long to see Eyes Wide Shut. I'll just die, if I don't see Nicole and Tom doing the dirty on screen. (Hmm, yeah, well. Look how that turned out.)
15. Family road trips were dominated by your parents arguing over how to interpret the map.
My Dirty Take: "Honey, you can't find your way around my pussy, how can you expect me to trust your map skills? I mean, come on, I only have two holes and a clit down there."
16. You would try to take selfies, only to discover when you had them developed that you accidentally photographed your finger in Every. Single. Shot.
My Dirty Take: Your finger? Is that what that was? Oh, that explains soooooo much.
17. You were expected to actually memorize phone numbers.
My Dirty Take: You could sing 867-5309 all day. But for the life of you, you couldn't remember the boy you made out with at Amy's party!
18. If you missed your favorite show, you ran the risk of never finding out what happened.
My Dirty Take: All I have to say is: Friends. Joey. Sex tape. That is all.