Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Oops, I Seem To Have Misplaced My Censoring Button!

***Warning If you find cursing offensive, please stop here.***

“The Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television According To George Carlin:  Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits.”

                This morning, I was talking with my mother on the phone, and I cursed.  Do you know what happened?  Instead of continuing my conversation, I paused and thought to myself, “Shit, I cannot believe I just said that.  She’s going to give me another one of her fucking morality lectures.”  That is pathetic.  I am a grown woman, and my mom still gives me lectures on cursing.  Well, you know what?  I love my potty mouth, dammit!  I was a sailor in one of my past lives, I just know it.
                When she gives me the lecture, she always pulls out the, “Would you say those words in church, Would you talk like that in God’s house?”  My answer is always, “Mom, I wouldn’t curse at church, you know that.”  And, I wouldn’t.  It is not that I am ashamed.  Hell, no.  In my opinion, it is disrespectful, and I am not going to disrespect God and the other people in church.  It pisses me off that she would ask this fucking question over and over.  And over again.  This question is insulting.  Its kinda like I won’t have sex at my Mother’s house or my In-law’s house (Now, if we are being completely honest, I have had sex there in the past.  At the time, I was still a teenager, so I don’t count that.  We all do crazy shit when we are young).  I do not want to offend their sensibilities, like I wouldn’t particularly want my daughter to in my home – when she becomes sexually active, of course.
                So, when I hung up, I started thinking about “dirty” words.  As most know, I am an extremely wordy person, and I love to hear (or read) new words.  I decided that it would be fun to expand my cursing vocabulary. 
                As per usual, I went straight for Google.  God bless Google.
The search brought up two kinds of websites:  1. Lists of Curse Words 2.  Quotes About Curse Words.  I admit that I was intrigued by the quotes, and started clicking on some of them.  The quotes were like: 
“Profanity is the common crutch of the conversation cripple.” – David Keuck
AND
“When a man uses profanity to support an argument, it indicates that either the man or the argument is weak – probably both.” - Unknown
AND
“Profanity is the weapon of the witless.” - Unknown
AND
“The foolish and wicked practice of profane cursing and swearing is a vice so mean and low that every person of sense and character detests and despises it.” – George Washington

                Well,  apparently, people detest and despise this lowly, senseless, witless, wicked, foolish woman who is a conversational cripple.  If anyone knows me, they would hurt themselves laughing at these accusations.  Me?  A conversational cripple?  Shit, no.  I need to be gagged half the time (hot damn!).  In all seriousness, I don’t know how to shut up.  I am a long-winded motor-mouth, for better or worse.
                After I was through looking at these bullshit quotes by dumbasses who don’t know a thing about me, I pulled up a couple of websites on lists of curse words.  I found these:
The Basics Curse Words That Everyone Should Know:

Anus – This is totally the technical name for a body part.
Ass
Asshole
Asswipe
Bastard
Bitch
Blowjob
Bullshit
Butt Plug – Seriously, this is a curse word?
Clit – Another technical name for a body part.
Clusterfuck
Cock
Cunt
Dick
Dildo – Since when is a the name of a sex toy a curse word?
Douchebag
Dumbass
Fellatio
Fuck, Fucker, Fucking
Fucktard
Goddamnit
Handjob
Hard-on
Hell
Hoe
Humping
Jackass
Jerk-Off
Jizz
Motherfucker, Motherfucking
Pecker, Peckerhead
Penis – Yet again, this is a technical name?  Damn, people must have missed Anatomy class. 
Piss, Pissed Off
Prick
Punanny – This one always makes me smile. J
Pussy
Rim, Rimming, Rimjob
Shit -There were lots variations of this one.
Splooge – Is this correct spelling?  The people on this site have some serious spelling issues.
Testicle – Who the hell came up with this one as a curse word?  They call me witless and foolish!  Go to anatomy class, motherfucker.
Tittyfuck
Twat
Vagina – I am not going to even say it.  It is getting to repetitive.
Vajayjay
Whore


Some Funny Variations:

Assbandit – This sounds like someone has stolen an ass from someone else.  That would be fun to explain to the cops.
Assclown – I hope he/she doesn’t do chilodren’s birthday parties.
Asshat – Which stores carry this?
Cockburger – Yummy, that sounds almost as good as…
Cocksicle
Cockwaffle – This does NOT sound appetizing.  Although, at least there is syrup involved.  Mmmm, sticky.  Sticky is good.
Cockmonkey – Do they have these at the zoo?
Cocksucker
Cumdumpster
Cumguzler
Shitbagger – Is this a job?  I bet it doesn’t pay well.

                The moral of my ramblings is this:  Cursing is a part of my fucking vocabulary.  If you have a problem with that then you can kiss my motherfucking ass, cocksucker.  I may be a bitch, but you are a douchebag.  I can live with being a bitch.  At least I know how to have some fun.  I am me, and you are you.  Don’t get in my damn business, and I will stay the hell out of yours, asshole.  Thank you for your time.  (Please note:  This is not aimed at the people reading this blog.  This is what I would like to say to every prick that has the balls to tell me what I should and should not do.)

-Mia

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”  -E.E. Cummings

Monday, August 29, 2011

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Whips and Chains Excite Me


“I am your servant. I shall not be free. You will protect me; you will keep me safe; you will guard me. You will keep me sound; you will protect me from every demon.”   -- Ancient Egyptian woman's slave contract

For today’s blog, I think that I will be dragging out my handy-dandy soap box and climbing atop it.  I apologize in advance.

***WARNING:  I will not be held accountable for anything that I say from this point on.***

Okay, so I got that silly crap out of my system.   J

I find myself becoming increasingly disturbed by the fact that so many people judge something they know so little about.  Yes, I am aware that people are judgmental by nature; however, that does not make it any less troubling. 

BDSM (like masturbating, sex toys, porn, and menages) is considered this horrifying taboo.  Well, who gives anyone the right to say, “You are a freak” or “You are disgusting” or (my personal favorite) “You are going to hell!”  Last time I checked, my personal perversions are none of those people’s damn business.   I do not judge them, so they better not be judging me…at least where I have to hear it.  They can cuss and fuss, but do not give me some morality lecture, please.

Now, I am not a member of the BDSM community, but this is by choice.  Not because I do not like it.  Not because I think there is anything wrong with it.  Quite the opposite, I find it absolutely fascinating.  Hell, I will be the first to admit that I would be sailing on that ship if I could handle the pain element.  I am no masochist.  Sometimes, I kinda wish I were - even if only for a day.  I would have a chance to indulge in something that I find intriguing, but alas, it is not meant to be.  Please do not misunderstand me, I have no problem with a little erotic pain – spanking, biting, and the like.  Most of you know (and understand) exactly what I am talking.  It is the more hardcore things – whips, chains, St. Andrew’s cross, etc. – that I am not sure that I am capable of handling.

                Speaking of talking, it really irks me that so many people won’t talk about sex (in any form).  Do they really think that not talking about it makes it any less real?  My inner perv likes to talk about sex.  I like to have it, think about it, read about it, write about it, watch it…whatever.  I have been compared to a teenage boy so many times that it edges on ridiculous. 

What is wrong with the fact that I like sex?  Why is it horrifying that BDSM and menages excite me?  Why must I hide my goody stash from everyone like it is some dirty secret?  My e-reader and laptop get tired of being shoved into a drawer when people visit in fear that they will take a peek.  I do not hide it because I am ashamed.  No, I hide it because I get tired of the harassment that I will inevitably get.  I am tired of the looks and the “talks.”  My soul does not need saving, thank you very much!

Sex is a beautiful thing in a variety of forms.  Why people are so insistent that sex is dirty if you are not some vanilla couple who only know one position (in a bed with the lights out), I will never understand.  Seriously.  That is absurd!  If you want to be vanilla, then power to you.  If not, power to you too.  It is up to you – not me and not anybody else.  The only way you make it my business is if you record it and post it on the Internet.  Even then, it is not really my place to judge (unless it is to rate the video).  LOL.

To me, BDSM, is not tawdry, dirty, or cheap.  It is captivating. So many facets of the whole D/s world are alluring.  The commitment. The trust.  The love.  The protection.  The cherishing.  Who would not want these things?   Well, if no one wants to raise their hand, I will.  I will raise my hand, wave it around, and go, “Ooh, ooh.  Pick me.  Pick me!”

Well, as much fun as I am having, I think it is time to come down from my soap box – at least for now. :)

-Mia


"Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time."  - Author Unknown

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Can Someone Pass Me The How-To Guide on Choosing the Color of a Sex Toy?

When writing a scene this morning, I was attempting to describe the color of a vibrator that the heroine had been reflecting upon.  Well, it was not the color exactly.  It was the shade of the color.  You see, I had this image in my mind, and I wanted to capture it with words.  Wait!  Why am I trying to explain this concept?  You know exactly what I am talking about.  That feeling you get when you can see it, you can feel it, you can taste it, you can breathe it…but how exactly do you describe it for everyone around you? 

For a lot of people, they would not even think about such a minute detail.  However, it was me.  And I am a very detail-oriented kind of girl…sometimes to a fault.  So, picking a color for the vibrator was extremely important to me.  I wanted it to reflect her personality.  And her likes.  And her dislikes.  And her dreams.  Okay, so I am exaggerating a bit, but you get the picture. 

When I realized that I was not going to get any farther until I found the exact shade of red that I was looking for, I pulled up the one place on the internet that always knows what I want, where to find it, and how to get it…Google. So, I started my search with various adult toy store websites, but they were unhelpful because dildos and vibes (and most other sex toys) come in every color in existence. 

Well, okay.  Moving on - I pulled up Google again.  This time I searched for shades of red.  Of course, I found what I wanted this time.  However, by now, I have begun to think.  (Oh, the horror!)  How do you choose a color of a sex toy for yourself and/or for your characters?  Mood?  Personality?  Scene?  What?  I had no clue.  I figure it is different for everyone. For me, I am into the meaning of things.  Like the meaning of a person’s name.  Or the meaning of a flower.  Or, in this case, the meaning of a color.  With the assistance of Google (yet again), I found a site with all of the meanings behind the colors.  If you already know, please skip ahead.  Otherwise, here we go:

  • Red =    Action, Confidence, Courage, and Vitality
  • Pink = Love and Beauty
  • Brown = Earth, Order, and Convention
  • Orange = Vitality with Endurance
  • Gold = Wealth, Prosperity, Wisdom
  • Yellow = Wisdom, Joy, Happiness, Intellectual Energy
  • Blue  = Youth, spirituality, truth, peace
  • Green = life, nature, fertility, well being
  • Purple = royalty, magic, mystery
  • Indigo = intuition, meditation, deep contemplation
  • White = purity, cleanliness
  • Black = death, earth, stability
  • Gray = sorrow, security, maturity

Since reading these meanings, I realized that I will be avoiding any sex toys that are:  Brown, Green, White, Black, and Gray. 
  1. Brown just does nothing for me – it has nothing to do with the meaning or anything.  It’s just, no. 
  2.  Green – OMG.  I will avoid the green with ferocity in writing (and in real life).  I do not want any “fertility” object near me or any of my characters when we are NOT wanting to get pregnant.  Seriously.  It just makes me shudder at the thought – and not in a good way. 
  3. White is obvious.  I find something disturbing about finding purity in a sex toy.  When I think of toys, purity does not come to my mind.  My mind is filled with more dirty, gritty, sexy things. 
  4. Black is a common dildo and butt plug color; however, I do not want the words “death” in my vocabulary at the same time as “sex” or “toy”.  I think earthy sex is great, but yeah, the death part overrides the thought of earthy sex in this case. 
  5. I am against having a gray sex toy for two reasons.  One:  It is just unattractive.  Two:  Sex toys plus a people should NEVER equal sorrow.  That is just wrong.  Someone is doing something wrong, and they need help. ASAP!

Well, to put everyone’s fears aside:  I do know that a color is really just a color, but I am like a domino – one thought leads to another and another until the whole damn thing has fallen. 

-Mia
"Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Oh, this would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind!" - Donkey (Shrek)

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

“Hello. My name is Mia, and I’m a Menage-aholic.”

                The first step is to admit your problem, right? 
Well, in my case, I do not think that this is a problem in any way.  It’s a pleasure.   An extremely gratifying, pleasurable indulgence.  Or maybe, I should say satisfying.  Ah, it doesn’t matter.  Its just semantics.  The sentiment is that ménages are sinfully sweet - a delightfully delicious deviation from conventional , and usually stereotypical, love stories. 
Please do not misunderstand me.  I am not saying that there is anything wrong with an everyday, run-of-the-mill relationship.  Quite the opposite, actually.  I believe that all love was created equal.  As long as love is a part of the equation, then it is a beautiful thing.  It does not matter if it is MM, MF, FF, or MFM, MMF, or MFMM….okay, you get the idea.  People should not judge a relationship based on what society deems to be acceptable or not.
                Menages are definitely considered taboo, but I think that so many people are missing out on reading great love stories.  Reading a ménage a trios (or ménage a quatre or ménage a cinq…etc. etc.) can be blazing hot in the sex department, but there is more to it.  It is about the relationships too.  I am moved by men and women who are willing to defy society to be together.  Their love is so undeniable that they are willing to risk ridicule and censure just to be together.  Of course, they often cannot come completely clean; however, seriously, people are going to talk about three (or more) people living together for their entire life.  It is inevitable.  People love to gossip too much to let that little tidbit slide. Plus, it is just too damn hard to hide love from everyone around you.  It is in a person’s eyes.  Its in a person’s body language.  Their touch.  Their demeanor.  I don’t know about most people, but when I am with a couple, it is fairly obvious how they feel about each other AND if they are lovers or not.  Hello?  How can people miss the signs?  They can’t – unless they are blind or totally oblivious.  It might as well be tattooed across the people’s forehead.  “I love Peter and Paul” or “I’m With Him…and Him.”  You get the picture.
Another element to ménages that I relish is that the woman (in MFM stories) is at the center of the love story.  As a woman, it is a fantasy to be the center of the love of a few good men.  To be so cherished.  And loved.  And protected.  Hmmmm….the thoughts running through my mind are endless with possibilities.  I have a wonderful husband who I adore, but the thought of more than one of him could be fill some very intriguing fantasy. Hey, I cannot say that it has NEVER crossed my mind.  I would be lying.  Seriously, look at what I read and write.  As far as reality, no way would I want for this to be the case.  I can barely handle one of him…two would probably kill me…but, oh, what a way to go.  *giggles*
I may be egocentric enough to fantasize about a gaggle of men loving me (in and out of the bedroom), but this does not exclude the stories that involve the men having a relationship within the relationship.  To me, this is just as enchanting as any other ménage.  There is something so appealing to me at the thought of three people who are all in love with each other and not a woman being the center of the love.  In these stories, it is wonderful to watch three people who love each other equally without any favoritism.  In this case, I feel that the love is unbelievably solid.  All parties love all parties so the jealousies are diminished significantly.  It is much easier to share something with someone that you love with all your heart.  It is instinctual.  When the woman is the central part of the relationship, there is more chance for complications – at least that is my belief.  So, I never, ever knock a true ménage.
Sooooo….I have danced around the biggest draw for me to reading and writing ménages:  THE SEX.  I totally have to capitalize and underline this because it is such a large element in ménages.  Honestly, its one of my favorite elements – go figure.  Reading about three or more people in bed is so amazingly hot that I think that one of these days, I will very well get scorched.  That would be a fun one to explain to a doctor:
Doctor Smith:  So, how did this injury occur this time?
Me:  Well, I was reading another book about a ménage and it was so fiery that the flames shot out of the story and singed me.
Doctor Smith:  Again?  Maybe you should be more careful this time around.  I think that you should avoid these sort of books for a couple of weeks until the third-degree burns heal completely.
Me:  Thanks Doc.  See you in a couple of weeks.
Oh, yeah.  That would go real well.  It would be as embarrassing and uncomfortable as a visit to the gynecologist for my annual pap smear.  TMI alert.
Anyway, I will wrap this up because it is getting seriously long.  I just would like to impress upon everyone that ménage books are unconventional; however, they are also captivating, tantalizing, and fascinating.  I know that not everyone love them, and that is fine for them.  They have the right to choose.  But for me, I chose to read ménages a few months ago, and I found something that forever changed me as a writer.  I grew up very sheltered, and I am broken-hearted because of this.  If I had not been raised that way, I would have found my calling long ago.  After many years of writing about things that I had no interest in, I have found my passion, my calling.  So, I think that I will amend my original statement to:  “Hello.  My name is Mia, and I know who I am.  I’m an Erotic Romance Writer, and I love it!”
-Mia
Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.”  -Author Unknown  (Its awful, I know – but seriously funny! :)

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Welcome to My Blog!

I would like to take a minute to welcome everyone to my new blog, "I've Got 69 Problems, But A Kink Ain't One." Since this is my first time creating a blog (yes, I am a blog virgin), you will have to bear with me a little.  I am still trying to get the hang of everything which is becoming a bit frustrating since I am completely clueless with the whole social networking world. I should have joined the revolution long ago so that I would not be so behind the times.  Oh, wow, I am beginning to sound like an old cat lady on a soap box about the negative aspects of technological advancements. Now, please, do not take offense.  I am not little nor am I old (yet), but I am a cat person.  Just ask my spoiled-rotten kitty cat. :)

But, I digress.  My name is Mia Ashlinn.  I am an aspiring erotic romance writer.  I have spent a large portion of my life being taught not to speak about sex or even think about it, but that is not me.  I am tired of hiding my nature.  I am a lusty lady, hear me roar!

I am married to a very loving and understanding man.  We have been blessed with one small child that completes our family.  I also have several dogs and a cat.  They can be a handful, but I love them to pieces. 

Blogging is a journey that I am very excited to be undertaking.  I hope that you will join me on this new course that my life has taken. 

-Mia

"It’s a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy." - Lucille Ball