Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Go home, douchebag. It's gonna be you and your hand tonight.

Over the weekend, I was writing this scene that required the use of a pickup line.  Since I am not a connoisseur in the arts of picking up a random stranger at a bar, I went surfing the web.  I was amazed by the number of lines that I found.  There were pages and pages filled with pickup lines from geeky to cheesy, funny to complimentary, disgusting to offensive, clean to dirty, and pretty much everything in between.  I spent several hours reading through as many of them as possible.  By the time I was done, my sides were aching from all the hysterical laughing and my cell phone was dead from all of the texts that I sent to my hubby.  

Of course, I found the line that I wanted and added into the scene.  However, by then, the damage was done.  I was fascinated.  My thoughts were racing with scenario after scenario.  Thoughts about who would be desperate enough to say these things?  What did they look like?  What were their lives like?  What kind of personality they had?  Likes?  Dislikes?  On the flip side, what about the receiver?  How would they respond?  Would it work?  Would it not?  What did they look like?  What were their personalities?  Likes?  Dislikes?  I guess it is a damn good thing that I like to write; otherwise, I would be fucked.  If I didn’t have somewhere to expel all my thoughts, I would probably…*shudders*…I am not even going to go there.

So, I thought that we might play a little game.  I am going to list some of my favorite lines, then I am going to respond from either my point-of-view or from one of my other personalities.  LOL.  Here we go:

 Scenario #1:
Man:  Do you take it up the ass?
Me:  Do you?
Man:  *blank look* Huh?
Me:  Do you take it up the ass?  It’s an easy question.  Yes or no?
Man:  *turns with his tail between his legs and runs*

OR (if my inner pervert is lucky)

Man:  Do you take it up the ass?
Me:  Do you?
Man:  Sure.
Me:  Lucky for you, I have my strap-on in my purse.  Your place or mine.

Scenario #2:
Man:  I wanna put my thingie in your thingie.
Me:  *laughs at him hysterically*
Man:  *annoyed look*
Me:  *batting my eyelashes innocently* What thingie?
Man:  You know, your thingie. *pointing toward my crotch*
Me:  I think that your thingie is referred to as one of the following:  cock, dick, pecker, willy, wing wang, dipstick, snake, one eyed monster, ding dong, peepee, joystick, magic stick, penis, rod, member, shaft, wood, sausage, meat stick, wonder wand, prick, weiner, ding aling, or weed wacker.  My thingie is known as one of the following:  vagina, pussy, kitty, punani, snatch, cunt, twat, coochie, cooter, va jay jay, hooha, honey pot, cho cha, muff, cock cave, cock pocket, cock magnet, cum milker, cum dumpster, and dick dungeon.  Do I need to continue or are we done with today’s vocab lesson?
Man:  Bitch…*storms off, muttering under his breath*
Me:  Just thought you should know the terminology.  If you can’t say it, you probably can’t use it! (I would make sure to be overheard.  Sometimes, a girl just doesn’t realize that she is speaking loud enough that others can hear! Hehehe.)

Scenario #3:

Man:  Hi, my name is milk.  I'll do your body good.
Me:  It’s just not your day.  I’m lactose intolerant.
Man: You’re what?
Me:  I am allergic to milk, dumbass!

Scenario #4:
Man:  I’ve got a pimple on my ass, wanna see it?
Me:  Sure, but first, you gotta check out my third leg. *reaches for the snap on my jeans*
Man: *runs like the hounds of hell are nipping at his feet*

Scenario #5:

Man:  Baby, you must be a broom because you just swept me off my feet.
Me:  I hope you brought a dust pan because I left mine at home.  Sorry.

Scenario #6:

Man:  I hope you know CPR because you took my breath away.
Me:  Oh, no!  I missed class that day.  I’ll go get help!!! *runs away and never returns* (I am a cold, cold bitch.  Gotta love it – unless you are lying on the floor, gasping for breath, due to my apparently deadly beauty.)

Scenario #7:

Man:  Do you wash your panties in Windex because I can really see myself in them?
Me:  Yeah, I love to wash my panties in Windex and bleach.  Wanna sniff?

I hope some of these scenarios put a smile on your face today.  I know they did mine.  If it didn’t rub you the right way, I won't keep you hanging.  This man should put a smile on your face and a hop in your step:


 “There’s no such thing as good girls gone wrong, only bad girl’s found out.”  -Unknown

“When I’m good, I’m very, very good but when I’m bad, I’m better.”  -Mae West

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