You might be a pervert if…Hell, I am a pervert. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Today, while talking with my husband, I was struck by something.  Not an object, a thought! :) What makes a person a pervert?  How does society decide that Joe Blow is a perv, but Jane (“Won’t Blow”) Doe isn’t?  In this case, I would say the fact that Jane doesn’t blow eliminates her as a possible pervert candidate, but that is another debate for another day.  Seriously, though, is there some set criteria that people use to determine if a person is or is not a pervert?  Maybe, someone has a checklist or a quiz.  I know, it’s a multiple choice test like we all used to take in school! 

The whole thing was started when my husband was chatting with me about our broken lawn mower.  Yes, my perverted self went there.  Let me paint the picture for you.  We are driving down the road when my hubby starts telling me the pros and cons of building a motor for the old mower versus replacing the entire mower.  So, he starts talking in that male mumbo-jumbo that goes completely over my head.  I tuned him out (a little, anyway) because it was confusing.  Then, I hear the word shaft.  My attention now latches onto his key words.  They were: side shaft, bottom shaft, various sizes of the shaft, different orientations of the shaft, length matters in choosing a shaft, and pistons.  So, pistons might not be too perverted to some, but it always makes me think of other things… ;)  Anyway, he then says, “Finding a used motor that isn’t worn out is hard.”  I swear.  That is verbatim.  At this point, I am laughing so hard that my cheeks hurt and my eyes are watering.  Now, let me ask you this, how many people would be laughing hysterically about lawn mower motors?  I will not answer this in fear of incriminating myself further.

My husband didn’t help matters when he says, “Oh, that reminds me. I thought about you earlier.”  This never bodes well for me.  LOL.  He proceeds to tell me about how he had seen an article on the damage to the Washington Monument.  Apparently, some people had made some comments that he knew would amuse me.  Let me back up, though, I have been to D.C. several times.  Every, single time that I have visited, I always get excited to see the “giant phallus.”  Oops, I mean the Washington Monument.  Don’t get me wrong, I mean no disrespect.  AT ALL.  However, for some reason, I cannot seem to help myself.  I giggle and point when I am on the mall.  Most people are ohhhing and ahhhing over the Smithsonian or the Capital Building or the White House or some place like that.  Me?  I am giddy because I get to see a larger-than-life phallus.  That makes me a pervert.  Well, that is one thing that makes me a pervert.  I won’t even begin to go into every reason that I am a pervert.  It would take days. :)  Back to the story, the comments were what some might consider risqué.   One person was discussing how if they rubbed the monument and played with it, it would probably stay up.  This was my personal favorite.  Of course, there were several more comments following this one, but they are pretty much irrelevant to my point which is that my husband read something that could be construed as mildly perverse (yeah, I only classify this as mild on my pervert-o-meter. I could come up with something far more entertaining. Please excuse the pun.  I digress…) and he is like, “I have to tell Mia about this! She is going to laugh her ass off.”  Not the most common reaction for a man to make about his wife.  Of course, he was right on the money. :)

I really began to think about the things that make a person dirty-minded.  Is it the things we say? Or hear? Or see? Let me tell you, I think it is all three.  When I am floating around in my little Mia-bubble, I can find something naughty in lots of things.  It can be people, places, or things.  It can be in person, on tv, on the radio, in a movie, or in a book.  With the kind of books that I read and write, you are pretty much guaranteed a whole host of naughty things.  No wonder I love them so very much.

After we arrived home, I propped up my feet and turned on my handy-dandy laptop so that I could make a list of indications that you might be a pervert.  Like Jeff Foxworthy’s “You might be a redneck if…,” this is Mia Ashlinn’s “You might be a pervert if…”

1.     You might be a pervert if…talking about a lawn mower’s motor makes you think dirty thoughts.

2.    You might be a pervert if…the Washington Monument reminds you of an erect penis, a phallus, a dildo, or any other representation of the male anatomy.

3.    You might be a pervert if…you think of double penetration when someone refers to Dr. Pepper as DP.

4.    You might be a pervert if…you like to eat popcorn while watching porn.

5.    You might be a pervert if…you think of figging while examining a piece of ginger in the produce aisle of the local grocery store.

6.    You might be a pervert if…the clerk at the adult store near your house knows who you are.

7.    You might be a pervert if…you have a lengthy talk with said clerk about the pros and cons of more than 5 items in one visit to the adult store.

8.    You might be a pervert if…you think that tossing a salad is a slang term for “rimming.”

9.    You might be a pervert if…you prefer to use the term “fucking” in place of “sex” at least 90 percent of the time.

10. You might be a pervert if…you have a stash of “goodies” that would make most people blush.  The stash must include no less than 15 items.  Items can include the following: dildos, vibrators, rabbits, bullets, cock rings, strap-ons, clamps, whips/floggers/crops/paddles, anal plugs/beads, handcuffs, rope, blindfolds, gags, and lubes (the exotic one’s – not the generic kind).  Porn not included.

11. You might be a pervert if…you have enough porn dvds to fill a dvd case.

12. You might be a pervert if…you have more than five HD porn dvds. (Due to the expense of these videos, I am a wee bit lenient)

13. You might be a pervert if…you have PBTv on your television and you actually watch it on a regular basis.  This includes watching shows that are not entirely sex-based.  Some of these shows are funnier than most sitcoms…Oops, I guess you know that I meet this one. LOL.

14. You might be a pervert if…you have a stripper pole or a sex swing in your living room. (No, I do not have these in my living room. Thank you very much. I know what you are thinking!)

15. You might be a pervert if…you think a cocksicle tastes better than a popsicle.

16. You might be a pervert if…your favorite number is 69.

17. You might be a pervert if…you are reading this blog. ;)

Well, you get the general idea.  I came up with these in a short time period; therefore, I hope to add to them in the future.  If anyone has some suggestions, let me know.  I will be more than happy to add to the list.  Hell, I would be thrilled. :)

It is getting late, and I have an early morning so I will bid you adieu.  Sweet dreams, my friends.

-Mia

“Most girls blush at dirty scenes in a movie.  I laugh because I know that I can do it better.”  - Author Unknown